When I have nothing else to write about I can always write about a book I’ve read; that typically seems to spark some sort of creative writing mechanism in my mind and I churn out prose which subsequently has absolutely nothing to do with the item itself I’m purporting to begin analysis of. So let me see, then, what have I read recently or semi-recently? How about… Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut. I believe that’s a book classically read in high school, but somehow I missed reading it. Another one of those high school English-course selections is Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, which I also managed to miss and need to remedy one of these days. And now, somehow, as I write this, my brain has taken a turn to…

My friend who recently got a restraining order against her ex-boyfriend who has turned slightly insane. Well, gradually so, because he was rather insane to begin with, even though the times I met him he seemed to be quite normal. But then I helped her fix her computer after he’d thrown it on the ground, and I think only having heard about the present craziness doesn’t do any sort of justice to the reality of the situation: the stalking, crazy phone calls, smashed car windows, and so on. I understand that the emotions he must be feeling are crazy as well, and I sympathize, or rather pity, because he does this out of some sort of obsessive infatuation for her. I’m sure it represents a known psychological disorder, which when I think of it (while revising this entry) reminds me of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), alhough I don’t know the symptoms and OCD deals with little things, I understand. Repeatedly checking the stove to see if one has left it on, for example. Nothing emotionally harmful, like this; a dependency on asserting or testing one’s relationship to a person, or doing something to affect that person.

An important ability is the one to let go (more OCD-like; noting this on the revision). To look at yourself rationally and try to establish what your goals are; to realize that you have to stop acting a certain way because it’s not only hurting whatever specific goals you have in mind. (For example, does he want her back? Is that the goal? Does he realize that every thing he does, therefore, not only does not affect the probability of that happening, which is now zero, but is also self-defeating?) What other goals might there be? To cause discomfort in others and even greater discomfort in yourself? But it’s not a rational mind doing any sort of thinking or analysis here… So I say, and everybody has to do this about various things (may they be, though, more benign), let go. Sit back. Calm down. Decide you’re going to change something in your life. Move to a different place physically and mentally. Change your routine. Set your mind on something else. Take up alcohol to fill the void, because at least that’s going to only harm you and not others, and perhaps one day you’ll have the strength to get over a chemical addiction, because perhaps that’s easier than an emotional addiction. Fine, I know these things are easy to say, and have I really been there? Anywhere near there? No; I can extrapolate and observe, but that’s about it. In general, though, there comes a point when your rational mind should rebell against illogical self-destructive actions and decide it really had better whip that other part of itself into submission and go do something productive and non hurtful. I guess this is easier said than done; I guess I haven’t been there, so I don’t really understand. It’s like chemical addiction. To me it seems that if I were a smoker and I heard enough things about how bad smoking is, I’d realize that rationally I was just hurting myself and would up and quit without too much fanfare. Or maybe some fanfare, because I’d tell everyone. I’d throw out all my cigarettes; I’d lock myself inside; I’d go to the gym and run 10 miles a day at whatever speed I could manage.

Or would I? From my limited experience it’s not lack of willpower that keeps smokers from quitting, but a willingness to rationalize smoking itself as something that’s really not so bad. It’s as if the part of the mind which would otherwise be responsible for saying “enough!; this is hurting you, you have to change” either doesn’t exist or doesn’t assert itself. (Which are effectively one and the same, since the end result is the same.) The same with this guy. It’s an emotional dependency of some kind. A bad psychological addiction as if to a chemical, which suppresses rationality. That’s what they mean, it seems, when they say “addiction changes brain chemistry”. But so do so many other things. Emotions, for example.

See, I try to understand everyone at least on a cursory level, that’s the thing. Even messed up people, because we all seem to be given plenty of opportunities in life to get worked up over something or think too much; to be illogical; we’re often compelled to do something we know we shouldn’t because the net effect is only harmful. Maybe I shouldn’t even try to understand someone as harmful and irrational as this person. But on the other hand, beyond issues of anger management and emotional control, I think he’s sick and needs someone to reach out and help him. That’s not going to be me, unless he happens to read this (which I doubt will occur), and is in any way inspired by what I wrote, which I think is unlikely. I’m just musing out loud. Maybe sometimes people who are like that need something to shock them straight, but probably even that will have no effect most of the time.

Well, enough speculation. Did I say this was going to be a review of Slaughterhouse Five? I guess that’ll have to wait. When I get writing, who knows what it’ll be about. And I’ve already gotten enough crumbs of this crunchy toast in between the keys of my new laptop.