“Oh, funny that you asked, I’m actually writing a book. It’s called “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Photoshop for Dummies”. It’s actually a book about a book, and I forgot whether it’s being published by the “For Dummies” people or by the “Idiot’s Guide” people.”

Actually I’m thinking about starting a completely new line of self help books… it’ll be called “The Totally Brainless Stupid Moron’s Manual on (insert topic)”

The subtitle/blurb (originally it was going to be a subtitle and then it got too long for that) will be as follows. “A Guide for the Completely Hopeless: No, it won’t really help you, and you probably won’t get past the first page anyway, but you’ll feel better about yourself knowing there are enough totally brainless stupid morons out there, people just like you, to warrant our purely profit-driven publishing this book!”

“Daddy, the neighbors said you weren’t fit to live with pigs!”
“What did you tell them, son?”
“I said you certainly were fit to live with pigs!”
(From a treasured book of my childhood, Smart Alec’s Revolting Jokes for Kids)

“But anyway, I want to take over the world, too. So I think we’re going to have to work out some sort of power sharing treaty, yes?”

“You know the ghost named Blinky in Pac-Man? It ought to blink a lot, in the game. Just a thought.”

“Hey there, I hope work’s not too tough on you. Work’s tough on me because Freecell is hard sometimes.”